I landed in Beijing after an eleven and a half hour flight from Seattle. I then collected my bags and after a confused moment wondering why no one was waiting for me near the baggage carousel, I realized that I needed to walk to the next room. I gave myself a pass on my stupidity because I was extremely tired after over twenty hours traveling from my home in New Jersey. In the next room I spotted a small Chinese man holding a sign with my name on it. This was already better than my arrival in South Korea where there was no one to pick me up for over 30 minutes. The man could not speak English, but he led me outside to his car and then said "140 KM". I acknowledged that I knew Tianjin was a bit of a drive and we were off.
Once on the highway I immediately noticed how bad the air quality was. Since arriving in China I would say that this night was one of the worst I have seen. The man driving also had a really bad cough and I began to wonder what I was doing in China. I realized later that he was sick, but looking at the air outside and hearing his cough did not make me feel good about being there. Also the driver did not know the way to Tianjin and parked to look at his GPS between turn off ramps and the highway about five times.
Eventually we arrived in the city and he pulled onto what appeared to be a sidewalk (I now know that these "sidewalks" in China are part of the road). He got out and walked around as I was dazing in and out of sleep, but it was clear to me that he had no idea where we were going. He then got in the car and pulled up a few hundred feet and got out and disappeared behind some buildings. At this point, I looked outside and it was clear that we were in a busy part of the city, but there were no cars or people to be see because it was nearly 2 am on a Thursday night. Soon after, he got back in and appeared to have figured out where we were going and we pulled up into an apartment complex and he signaled to get out. I got out and we removed my bags from the trunk and I looked around. My first impression of this place was quite negative as it seemed dirty and there were old bicycles everywhere. We approached the entrance of the building and he pointed up and said "seven, no lift". I realized that this meant that I would be carrying my 60 pound bulky bag with wheels up seven flights of stairs. I took a deep breath and summoned some strength in my sleepiness and made the climb without stopping.
Once inside the room he handed me a note from my school with instructions for the next day and gave me a bag with a comforter and small pillow in it. He also showed me how to use the water heater, gave me my key and then left. Once alone I went to sit down on the bed to breath a sign of relief to finally be at my final destination. I sat down quickly expecting a soft bed, but my rear was greeted by the hardest bed I have ever felt. In the moment when I expected the familiar and comforting feeling of a soft bed I instead met a truly unwelcoming feeling. As I sat there with my butt hurting and beyond tired, I felt a sense of loneliness and uncertainty and an instant that bordered on panic. There I was alone in this unfamiliar, seemingly dirty place with almost no idea of where I was and no way of contacting anyone since I had no phone or internet connection. I sat in silence for a few minutes and wondered if I had made a grave mistake.
I knew I needed a way to cope with this anxiety on my own since I had no one to talk to about it. So I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and imagined the way my apartment and surroundings seemed to me the night I arrived in South Korea. I imagined the cold, dark hallway outside my room in Gimhae with the winter air blowing from one opened end of the corridor to the other. I remembered the unwelcome feeling of the chilly air of my room because of the previous tenant leaving the back door open. I remembered how, on that first night, my apartment felt so foreign and not like home at all. I thought of the empty roads of Gimhae at midnight and how they appeared to me in my sleepiness that early morning of December 1st. Then I remembered what happened on my second day in Korea. I thought of how when the sun came up, and the city came to life it all seemed far less foreboding. I remembered how my apartment was transformed into my home and how saying goodbye to it was a sad day for me. I thought of how the strangers in the city eventually became people that I knew and was welcomed by. I was comforted by this wisdom and knew that this experience in China would turn out the same way. My life in Korea turned out to be the most rewarding thing that I had ever done, but it too started out with a few moments of fear and uncertainty.
With my new sense of calm, I began to unpack my things. First, I took out the comforter that the school had purchased for me and put it on my bed only to notice that it was about the size of half of my bed. I didn't really care too much because this was a huge bed and I would only need half of it anyway. I then unpacked my bags and put my things in the two huge dressers next to my bed. At about 3 am, I laid down for the first time in my bed in Tianjin, turned out the light, and fell asleep calm and relaxed.
The reason I am reflecting on the anxiety I felt is because many people tell me that I must be brave to go across the world to a completely different place where I cannot speak the language. The truth is that it scares me a little bit also, but I don't allow myself to think about that too much before I leave. I focus on the adventure that I am about to embark on and I know that there will be moments of fear and anxiety. But I like not knowing exactly what will happen to me because it makes me excited about my life. I look forward to the challenges and uncertainty that this life abroad brings and will continue to bring me. It keeps me curious about what is next and constantly optimistic about where I am going and what I can do if I allow myself to come face to face with something that scares me and move past it.
Connecting flight from Minneapolis to Seattle. This is somewhere over the Dakotas during a thunderstorm.
Outside my apartment during the day. It is far nicer during the day!
Here are some pictures of my apartment my second week.
Notice that the sheets don't cover my bed completely.
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